Identity, dealers choice.
I had this funny event happen to me in my late twenties. I received a piece of mail from my 3rd grade teacher. I was incredibly confused at first. It was only until I pulled out this old piece of lined paper that I started to have a guess. And then there it was, my name, written by an 8yr old.
Addressed to myself, from 20 years ago. I had written a letter to myself of the things I wanted, valued, and thought I would become in the future. Massive credit to my teacher for actually following through with such a task. It was super interesting to read through my own self perception when I was a child. It was almost like a comparison chart of your success or changes through life.
I felt proud of following through with some of my childhood aspirations. Things like owning a little white Toyota 4x4 and getting that Honda CR125 dirt bike. The biggest thing that stood out though, was what I wanted to “become.” At the time I wanted to be a professional soccer player (football depending where you’re from). It made sense for the time. But it also reminded me of how burnt out I eventually got by the time I hit high school.
At the time of reading this little letter to myself, I was about 10yrs deep in the military. I had a ton of different hobbies ranging from bikes, photography, skydiving, BASE jumping, climbing, and just exploring life. It was also a time where I was on my last enlistment in the military. I had already mentally made the decision that I was going to get out of the military and keep exploring other avenues of life.
When I eventually got out of the military in 2021, I was heavily involved in BASE jumping (here is BASE if you not familiar). The BASE community is a very small community in general. It’s hard to even give a figure of how many active BASE jumpers there are currently. It is easy however, to have this high risk sport become a major part of your identity.
The same can be said for the military. Especially in the special operations communities across the branches. High functioning individuals from a vast variety of backgrounds and experiences. And each of these communities (BASE and military) come with a certain stigma, standard, and self identity.
When someone, or you, decided to leave these communities nothing really happens for anyone else. But a lot happens for you. You’ve spent years training, developing, and meeting these standards to be in the place that you were. But when you step away, credit is rarely given to yourself for accomplishing such things. Migrating to a new form of life, surrounded by the friends you made in the past. It’s easy to get lost in the comparrison of where you were and where you are now.
This is where I like to reflect back on that little old letter from my little self. When I read it, I was proud of myself for achieving such things on my list. It was also apparently obvious now I wasn’t going to be a professional soccer player. Although it was fun to imagine what my life would look like if that were the case. And the case was that I would have had an entirely different experience in life and be a completely different person today.
It’s much easier to look back 20yrs and have a full understanding of why something didn’t make sense. I still remember that period of life. I’ve also learned that this a common experience throughout a diverse landscape of places, jobs, hobbies etc. It’s easy to become consumed in something that was right for the time, but not right for you anymore. The one constant throughout life is that you, are you.
If moving on is a challenging mental nightmare. Think about where you thought you were going to be when you were younger. What has changed, what led you to be the person you are today. And then ask yourself if you’re still ruminating on your 8yr self thoughts.
Probably not.
Change, grow, and explore.
We all want to be somebody. And every single one of you reading this, is already somebody.
Somewhere in Montana, 2021
